There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
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Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
i was dropped as an adult
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts