There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
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Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Voting for coroner
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake