There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
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Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
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I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
We’re all getting idioter.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.