There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
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DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Whisper out to librarians!
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?