there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
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Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda