There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
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[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Fat chances are my favorite chances
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.