Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

[1st date]

You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away

an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.

me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow

Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future

Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.

I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap

1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

I have standards. They might be low, but still…..

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button

–cats

*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*

Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*

My kid: Teacher do you poop?

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”

People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.

Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.