There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
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[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.