There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
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[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-