There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
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There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
🚲+physics = winner
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
They say women only use 10% of their anger