Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again

U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…

computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now

Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.

POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going

“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

Date: Do you go camping?

Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?

Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house

You have two wolves inside you.

Should have ordered an appetizer.

*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim

YOU DON’T KNOW

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea

There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.

Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?

[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]

ME: …I dont remember

I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.

Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

A group of owls is called a flight of stares.

Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem

*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*