Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t

Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen

making sure he doesnt get away

Murderer: what’s wrong?

Me: it really hurts

Murderer: oh sorry

*stabbing softens*

*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.

The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.

10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants

I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol

Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.

Cop: Again, license and registration please

SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!

PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:

SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.

spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza

Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”

The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.

Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again