Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.

Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.

Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough

you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other

there are only 2 generations:

-America’s Funniest Home Videos

-Tik Toks

Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.

6: Mom will you play with me?

Me: Sure buddy

6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*

I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.

Buying a well is money well spent.

With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.

I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.

Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.

With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…

Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Rachel is KIND

Monica is NURTURING

Joey is CONSIDERATE

Phoebe is TALENTED

Ross

Chandler is FUNNY

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean

Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
Me: STOP!

*turns my chair to get a better view

Me: Carry on.

People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like

“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”

I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.

“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”

– John F. Kennedy

Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.