There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
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“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?