There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
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Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
fair
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
This checks out
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*