There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
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Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Interior designer.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name