There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
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What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in
Pig: nope
Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks
Don’t tell me what to do
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades