There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
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eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
I would move hell over six inches for you
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?