There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
You Might Also Like
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
🤷♀️
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.