There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
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[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Guantanamo Bae