There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

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Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.


Being inside a car with kids is like being inside a blender with sticky hyenas.


Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.


In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.


I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”


OK, so you caught me bangin’ the peanut butter jar…

Don’t make it weird…


My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ


People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.