@rickkondell

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

You Might Also Like

@calluptome

Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.

@HeyZeus666

Being inside a car with kids is like being inside a blender with sticky hyenas.

@Jenny4ashley

Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.

@dlockw21

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

@WheelTod

I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”

@archerenemy

OK, so you caught me bangin’ the peanut butter jar…

Don’t make it weird…

@Shenanigans_luv

My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ

@froghammer

People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.