There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
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Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Meow
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.