There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
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Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Breaking news:
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Anime is real
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
The Weeknd is back
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.