“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
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The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
The day after Christmas is wild.
I had 6 sugar cookies & a cheese ball for breakfast
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares.
It’s nice to have some company
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME