“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
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I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.