There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
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yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Smile they said.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Never forget.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER