There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
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Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”
My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
boat question
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
