There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
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Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.