Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”

Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

[interview]

What’s your greatest weakness?

ME: Probably avoiding tough questions

Can you elaborate on that?

ME: Oh hey look at the time!

You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.

“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

😂😂😂😂😂😂

BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats

.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?

In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.

Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.

Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm

i don’t think he’s the guy. the shooter used a silencer and an italian would never attempt to be quiet in public

Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green. 

Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.

Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?

Boss: uh, working

Me: again?

Boss: …

My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

[first day at the cia]

supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.

me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.

After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*

My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want

tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.