Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this

Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:

7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind

We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

me: is there a doctor on this plane?????

doctor: i’m a doctor

me: my mom wants us to meet

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency

Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party

“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”

director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother

disney: sounds great, let’s add murder

CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]

[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.

A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

Food gives you energy to nap more.

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.

My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.

My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.

As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times

Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys