Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.

Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”

Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.

I hope google does well on my son’s test

When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.

Awesome parenting 😂

At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.

*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you

I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.

I said, “Ok, what do you want?”

She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”

Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing

Also me: runs into everybody I know

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office

Son: How does this end?

Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland

Son: No this movie

Me: Shrek marries Fiona

we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.

College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years

Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.

They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.

Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.

Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?

Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

Waiter: And how would you like your steak?

Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?

People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.

comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there