there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
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my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Danger is very dangerous
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.