there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
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Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Buck naked
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
That’s no pocket rocket.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.