@roboticcrab

there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him

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@_goaskyourdad_

My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.

@Gooooats

Hurricanes should have scary names that instill a proper sense of alarm. Names like GOLTOG HARVESTER OF SOULS or Britni.

@TheBoydP

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.

@LetGoBeFreeDoU

Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out..

You’re Welcome..

@Rollmaninoz

Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.

@FatherWithTwins

My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process

@Brampersandon_

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

@LeonEarlgrey

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

@CroweJam

I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.

@rebrafsim

Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11