there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him

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My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.


Hurricanes should have scary names that instill a proper sense of alarm. Names like GOLTOG HARVESTER OF SOULS or Britni.


I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.


Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out..

You’re Welcome..


Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.


My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process


[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*


Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.


I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.


Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter: my shift ends at 11