*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
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… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”