There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
You Might Also Like
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.