There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
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In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?