There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
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Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.