Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.

That’ll blow his Lil mind

[me, being murdered] agree to disagree

if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years

When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.

Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

Top 5 forms of torture

5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.

ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on

Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*

Me: what are you-

Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!

Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!

“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”

*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*

“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”

depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound

Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.

I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆

“It all started when my mom met my dad…”

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!

If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”

side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close

me: it’s fine there’s room

side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU

doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what

The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much

“I wish every day was Friday.”

The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.

No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.

Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.

Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.

Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?

How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.