There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
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‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
Jupiter
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*