There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
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Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!