There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
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What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Good morning
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.