Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
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Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
constantly working on myself.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.