@MelvinofYork

There is a woman on this plane going on vacation with a cat in a carrier. Because cats love surprises, travel, and unfamiliar surroundings.

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@Contwixt

Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.

@AnOrangeSNES

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

@phirm

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?

@sammyrhodes

“We’re going to need a bigger pocket.” – iPhone 6 Plus

@david8hughes

[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here

@krustythe_klown

I’m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with me when I get Alzheimer’s

@sparticus_af

serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death

me: so you’re gonna let me live

@DanMentos

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

@TheWidowmakerX

“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”

Me: A partner