My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
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What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Important reminders
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work