There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
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Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.