Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.

There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…

They just pick up a shovel and started digging.

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche

Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

4 a.m.

9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE

daddy: mine’s just starting

waiter: would you like a box

me: how is it prepared

I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.

[3am]

My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]

Also my demon: there will be cookies

Me: say no more!

one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back

Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.

I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.

*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*

Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?

Boy: January 1?

Girl: Valentine’s Day?

Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.

My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts

Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.

#merica