There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
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**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Times are tough, wanna go halfsies on this demon with me?
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
“What?”
– Jude
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.