There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
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Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
WHO DID THIS?
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.