There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
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her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
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The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
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~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.