Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.

NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show

Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”

Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face

“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev

Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.

you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?

Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god

Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?

Thank you.

PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*

HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?

ME: my wife hears everything

HUSBAND 911: do I?

ME: what?

HUSBAND 911: what?

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”

2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.

When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.

Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”

My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.

[meeting new people]

Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself

Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.

mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane