Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now

Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

guy: [drinking a coke]

me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body

Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock

[holding an acorn]

“do you still love me?”

Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”

“Shaddup you!”

[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?

Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.

Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house

I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication

The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad

Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people

Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.

kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs

God: I call it a Caterpillar

Angel: What is it?

God: A worm with feet

Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?

God: Then it grows wings

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.

My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.

JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread