there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
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What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-