there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
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My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
I’m giving up for Lent.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
British people be like I’m Bri ish
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day