There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
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Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.