Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I wish my dad was alive

genie: done

[elsewhere]

dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.

my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played

establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass

[First day as a private investigator]

*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound

*Gets murdered

Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers

Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.

*stranded on a deserted island*

Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB

you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”

This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.

Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.

Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart

Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news

Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”

You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!

Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.

*END CALL*

My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?

I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time

sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.

Husband: What are they?

Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions

I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar

You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.