there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops
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Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Breaking news:
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence