there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops
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The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
wish me luck lads
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Breaking news:
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
