there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops
You Might Also Like
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.