There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
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Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 馃檨
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I鈥檝e always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates鈥檚 funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don鈥檛 even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven鈥檛 been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
I鈥檓 going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Tell me you get it…馃ぃ
IT: So you were hacked? What鈥檚 your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that鈥檚 right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what鈥檇 he say
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!