There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
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Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
john wicks are toilet candles
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.