There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
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Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
i’m sure it’s fine
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come