There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
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moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
I walked into HomeGoods & didn’t grab a cart because I was only getting one thing.
Rookie move.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Hotels are back
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?