There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
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me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.