There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
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I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
termite twitter scares me
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.