Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

[driving on the highway]

My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.

Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?

Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.

It’s beginning to look a lot like “everyone’s manners and driving skills have disappeared” time of year again

Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.

Husband: so are we self isolating now?

Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!

A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.

I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body

Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you

I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.

My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face

Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.

[doctor’s office]

ME: I’m here for my test results

[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]

DR: I have some bad news…

I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.

You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.

Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast

My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”

something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning

*wipes off Chapstick

Weigh me now

If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.

Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes