There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
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Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares