There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
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You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.