There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
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Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot